val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jan 1, 2022 2:00:35 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jan 1, 2022 2:00:50 GMT
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Post by sunsetpainter on Jan 11, 2022 21:06:04 GMT
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Shirley U Geste
Chaos Manager
Cats, cats, cats and more cats!!
Posts: 10,375
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Post by Shirley U Geste on Jan 13, 2022 21:59:50 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Feb 3, 2022 23:15:23 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Feb 3, 2022 23:15:52 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Feb 3, 2022 23:16:09 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Feb 3, 2022 23:32:06 GMT
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Shirley U Geste
Chaos Manager
Cats, cats, cats and more cats!!
Posts: 10,375
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Post by Shirley U Geste on Mar 3, 2022 6:55:26 GMT
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Post by sunsetpainter on Mar 24, 2022 15:27:01 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Apr 7, 2022 21:19:37 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Apr 8, 2022 15:49:27 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Apr 23, 2022 19:56:37 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on May 6, 2022 22:58:05 GMT
British Army Humour
An innocent typo was made and all parties involved have gotten as much enjoyment as they could out of it!
Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension. The letter read,
"Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366.
Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely
Army Paymaster”
Colonel Maclaren replied;
“Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.
I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”
A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col. Maclaren’s letter box, it read:
“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month.
We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
However, we also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton) The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland) The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War) The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade) The Boer War (1899 -1902) World War One (1914-1918).
We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:
9765 Cannons 26,785 Swords 12,889 Pikes 127,345 Rifles (with bayonets) 28,987 horses (fully kitted) Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p. We have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.
Yours sincerely . . . .”
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on May 6, 2022 23:03:12 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on May 6, 2022 23:03:39 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on May 6, 2022 23:06:22 GMT
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Post by sunsetpainter on May 12, 2022 16:59:51 GMT
"Things I'm Super Good At 1. Forgetting someone's name 30 seconds after they tell me. 2. Running. Late, that is. 3. Making plans...then regretting making plans. 4. Thinking of a great comeback an hour later. 5. Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions. 6. Adding items to online carts then deleting. 7. Googling my ailments. Then panicking. 8. Leaving laundry to wrinkle in the dryer. 9. Forgetting why I walked into the room. 10. Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "Fall asleep right now."
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jun 9, 2022 17:18:32 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jun 12, 2022 23:03:59 GMT
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answer given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull.
With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jun 18, 2022 21:57:46 GMT
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear".
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder".
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir"?
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jun 20, 2022 17:25:26 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jun 20, 2022 17:27:44 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Jun 21, 2022 20:19:56 GMT
Good grief. Magazine salespeople NEVER give up: Maria: We have located active orders for Better Homes & Gardens, EatingWell, Food Network Magazine and Real Simple. If you do decide to cancel your subscriptions, please let us know and we will be happy to assist you.
Me: Would you please cancel all of those?
Maria: Sure, May I know the reason for your cancellation?
Me: I never read them and they just pile up on the coffee table.
Maria: Okay. We'd like to thank you for being a valued subscriber to FOOD NETWORK MAGAZINE, REAL SIMPLE and BETTER HOMES & GARDENS by giving you some extra time to continue receiving your magazines WITHOUT BEING CHARGED! To show our appreciation, we'll update your account so you won't get charged for these magazines until Sep 03, 2022! Continue enjoying your magazines or call us back to cancel before that date to ensure you don't get charged a thing. Any issues you receive are yours to keep. Would you like us to update your account so you can continue enjoying your magazines?
Me: Thank you, but no. Please cancel the subscriptions today.
Maria: Okay we also have a Great news! FOOD NETWORK MAGAZINE, REAL SIMPLE and BETTER HOMES & GARDENS have been selected from a special group of titles where we can cancel your upcoming charge, AND give you 8, 12 and 12 issues of each magazine for only $2 each. Your magazines will continue uninterrupted and because your satisfaction is important, we'll send a reminder notice with the rate for the next term of issues and an option to cancel. Do you want me to immediately cancel your upcoming charges and start your new terms?
Me: NO THANK YOU. PLEASE CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTIONS. No magazines at all. None. Thanks.
Maria: Okay, If you like EATINGWELL, and would like to receive the issues you've already paid for, I can cancel your future terms so that you're never charged again. Would you like me to go ahead and do that?
Me: NO.NO.NO.NO.NO. PLEASE CANCEL ALL OF THE SUBSCRIPTIONS NOW. I do not want any more magazines in my mail, thank you.
Maria: Sure, We have cancelled the renewal of your subscriptions.
Me: Thank you very much!
Maria: To thank you for being a valued customer, we’d like to offer you the opportunity to select a new favorite from a list of over 45 titles for a special rate of just $5.00. To take advantage of this offer, visit us at www.mags.com/magazines for full offer details.
*sigh* This was my chat conversation while trying to cancel the magazines I never read before they renewed.
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Shirley U Geste
Chaos Manager
Cats, cats, cats and more cats!!
Posts: 10,375
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Post by Shirley U Geste on Jul 25, 2022 4:32:33 GMT
Their reaction is hilarious.
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Sept 15, 2022 22:10:11 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Oct 17, 2022 19:00:58 GMT
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kritter
Mod Squad
When we lose sight of how we treat animals, we tend to lose sight of our humanity
Posts: 19,833
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Post by kritter on Oct 17, 2022 19:14:47 GMT
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Nov 7, 2022 19:04:18 GMT
I may have to get this canvas for my hallway for Christmas:
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val2525
Chaos Manager
Posts: 30,649
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Post by val2525 on Nov 9, 2022 1:13:44 GMT
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